Stories of Recovery
Tracy:
My name is Tracy and I am a recovering addict. I was born in Chicago, Illinois. I have an older brother and sister. Our father raised us in our younger years. My mother divorced my dad when I was seven years old. I knew my world was about to change. The comfort and security of living with daddy was gone.
Mom and her new boyfriend would have parties. People came over and drank
booze and smoked whatever they had. I guess my mom thought we were pretty
safe until it happened. It was Christmastime. Eighteen-year old Mike,
from down the St., said he had Christmas decorations we could use.
I didn’t want to go. I clearly remember not feeling safe with
this guy. I was yelled at and told to go with him.
No one noticed how long I was gone. I don’t remember how long
I was gone. All I know is he scared me into thinking someone was out
to kill him, and I had to hide in his bed. Next thing I knew, I’m
being raped. I’m eight years old at this point. It happened again
six months later. I reluctantly told my sister. She laughed at me and
said I probably liked it. I was crushed. I don’t know how I survived.
Yes I do. I became promiscuous at a young age. I would sleep with anyone
who paid attention to me. The first time I had consensual sex was at
age 15. I hated it. I started to use pot right after the rape, then
alcohol right after that. I remember being so drunk at 12 years old
that I peed my pants and puked in my bed. Where was my mom? Doing her
“own” thing. Through the years I discovered more drugs and
had more sex.
It wasn’t until about five years ago that I first walked into
ARC. My life at this point had spiraled out of control. I had an assessment.
I definitely needed treatment. They accepted me. It was very tough.
All the pain. Over the years, the layers of crap built up and they needed
to be pried off. I was about to enter the greatest part of my life’s
journey. The staff helped me unwrap myself and get to the core of who
I was. My healing began from that point of discovery.
In treatment, I learned how to get in touch with my body. To feel it.
To listen to it. To hear it. To relax it. We did meditation every morning
which I loved. I had years and layers of anger, frustration, guilt,
fear and loneliness. I learned how to visualize things such as when
I was raped. The rapist stole my soul, the pure essence of my innocence.
I learned how to recapture some of my soul and that was so awesome.
I began to realize that I was a woman. Before treatment, I would never
refer to myself as a woman. Honestly, it’s still hard to say.
Today I’m almost 37 and a mom, something I’ve desired for
a long time. I’m not proud of my past, but I don’t think
I would change too much about it. We all have destinies. For some reason,
the path is much harder for some. But I’m changing mine.
I know I’ll be honest about my past to my daughter. I pray she
will not have to endure what I did. And I still keep in mind that I’m
always one step from losing everything. I feel also that if something
does happen to her, I know I’ll be there for her. I will support
her.
I’d like to thank the wonderful staff at ARC. They are patient
and diligent in what they do for both the women at ARC and for all women.
